Supporting someone else

If someone you love is struggling, wanting to help is instinctive – but knowing how, without taking over or quietly burning out yourself, is much harder. Here’s what tends to help, what to say (and what to avoid), and where the line sits between supporting someone and carrying them.

What to say (and what not to)

There’s no perfect script, but a few things reliably help – and a few reliably don’t, even when they’re well-meant.

Ask, then leave room for a no. “I’ve noticed you don’t seem yourself – do you want to talk about it?” works better than pushing for an answer.
Resist jumping straight to solutions. Most people need to feel heard before they want advice, even good advice.
Avoid “at least” comparisons. “At least it’s not as bad as…” minimises what they’re feeling, even when it’s meant kindly.
Don’t ask “why” on repeat. It can start to feel like an interrogation rather than concern.
Silence is allowed. Sitting with someone without fixing anything is often enough.

You don’t need the right words – most of what helps is simply staying present without flinching.

When it’s above your head…

Notice when it’s moved beyond conversation. Not eating or sleeping, withdrawing completely, or talking about not wanting to be here are signs this needs more than a chat can fix.
Say what you’ve noticed, plainly. “I’m worried about you, and I think it might help to talk to someone” lands better than an ultimatum.
Offer to make the first move together. Finding a number or booking an appointment can feel impossible from inside a hard period – offering to sit with them while they call, or make the call together, removes a barrier.
If there’s any immediate danger, don’t wait for permission. Call 999, go to A&E, or use a crisis line – see the support directory for current contacts.

How much is yours to carry

It’s easy to slide from supporting someone into feeling responsible for how they’re doing, day to day. That’s a heavier job than it sounds, and not actually yours to hold.

Their recovery isn’t a task you can complete for them – your role is to stay present, not to fix it.

Checking in regularly, pointing toward proper support, and being honest when something worries you is genuinely a lot. It doesn’t have to also include managing their mood, monitoring them constantly, or being their only source of support.

Looking after yourself while you do this

Supporting someone through a hard time is its own kind of tiring, and it’s easy to let your own wellbeing slide while you’re focused on theirs.

It’s fine to have limits – to say you need a break from being the point of contact, or to bring in someone else who can share the load. That’s not abandoning them; it’s what makes it possible to keep showing up.

If you’re finding it hard to switch off from worrying about someone else, the pathways on this site are just as much for you as for them.

And if they won’t accept help at all, that’s a different, harder problem – When someone refuses help covers what’s still within your control when they say no.