You may go through a day without anyone to talk to, or spend it with other people and still feel lonely. What’s missing might be regular company, someone you can be honest with or a sense of belonging.
Sometimes the gap is easy to recognise. You’ve moved away from friends, retired from a sociable workplace or lost someone you used to speak to every day. At other times, you may have people around you but find that conversations rarely get beyond practical arrangements.
Being alone and feeling lonely aren’t the same thing. You might enjoy time on your own but still wish you had someone to share a meal, a walk or a piece of news with.
Illness, caring responsibilities, money or transport can make it difficult to see people. You may also feel unsure how to reconnect after a long time apart. What helps will depend partly on what you’re missing and what’s getting in the way.
A few things to keep in mind…
- Think about the kind of connection you miss. You may want everyday company, a close friend or people who share an interest. Naming what you’d like can help you choose a starting point, rather than simply trying to be busier.
- You can feel lonely within a relationship. Living with someone doesn’t always mean you feel close or understood. If it feels safe, you could ask for some time together without distractions, or talk about what you’ve been missing.
- A small contact can be worth making. You don’t have to begin with a personal conversation. Saying hello to a neighbour, sending a message or returning to a familiar group can be a manageable first step.
- Online contact can serve different purposes. A conversation with a friend or a shared-interest group may offer connection. If scrolling leaves you feeling left out, consider using some of that time to contact someone directly.
- Practical barriers deserve practical help. Transport, cost, disability or caring responsibilities may limit your options. Ask about accessible activities, telephone groups or befriending services rather than expecting yourself to overcome every difficulty alone.
When reaching out feels difficult
If you’ve felt lonely for a while, making contact may feel awkward. You might worry that an old friend won’t want to hear from you, or that everyone at a group will already know each other.
There may also be practical difficulties. An evening activity might be impossible without transport or someone to share caring responsibilities. A suggestion that sounds simple to someone else may take considerable effort for you.
Things that may help
Make an invitation specific. Instead of “We should catch up sometime”, try “Would you like a short walk on Saturday?” or “Are you free for a phone call one evening?” A clear suggestion gives the other person something they can respond to.
Choose an activity you’d enjoy in its own right. A class, volunteering role or interest group gives you something to do and talk about. Before going, you could ask the organiser what happens at a first session and whether someone can welcome you.
You don’t have to make a friend on your first visit. Getting there, meeting the organiser or having one brief conversation can be enough for that day.
Give a suitable group a chance to become familiar. If the first visit feels reasonably comfortable, consider returning. Seeing the same people gives you opportunities to pick up a conversation. If the group feels unwelcoming or inaccessible, you can look for another option.
Tell someone what you’d like more of. If you have friends or family but rarely spend time together, you might say, “I’ve been missing having someone to talk to. Could we arrange a regular call?” They may not realise how little company you’ve had.
Be cautious about turning a response into a judgement of yourself. A declined invitation or a delayed reply can hurt, but it doesn’t tell you everything about how someone feels. They may be busy or unable to make that particular plan. You can suggest another time without having to keep pursuing contact indefinitely.
Finding support
You don’t have to explain loneliness as a personal failing. It’s reasonable to ask for help finding company, making contact or dealing with the difficulties that stand in your way.
You can ask your GP practice about social prescribing. Where available, a link worker can help you find local activities and support. Befriending services may also offer regular conversation by telephone or in person.
If you’re struggling with low mood or anxiety, or finding everyday life difficult to manage, speak to your GP. NHS Talking Therapies may help with anxiety or depression; in England, you can refer yourself without going through your GP. If you need urgent mental health support, the Support directory has crisis contacts.
Recommended reading
If you’d like to read more about loneliness, these books offer historical and personal perspectives rather than step-by-step advice.
Fay Bound Alberti’s A Biography of Loneliness explores how the language and experience of loneliness have changed over time. It considers the part played by society and circumstances, looking beyond loneliness as an individual problem.
Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City combines an account of living in New York with stories about artists including Edward Hopper and Andy Warhol. It may interest you if you enjoy art and personal writing, or recognise the experience of feeling alone in a crowded place.