Self-compassion means treating yourself with care when something is difficult. You acknowledge what has happened and consider what would help, much as you might with a friend who is struggling.
That might mean taking a break, asking for support or making amends after a mistake. Kindness can include taking responsibility and doing something difficult.
If your first response is usually criticism, a kinder approach may feel unfamiliar. You can begin with words that feel fair and believable, rather than trying to make yourself feel positive.
The ideas behind it
Self-compassion draws partly on Buddhist teachings about compassion. In 2003, psychologist Kristin Neff described three connected elements that became the basis of her research.
These are self-kindness, recognising that difficulty is part of human life, and noticing painful thoughts and feelings without becoming wholly caught up in them.
In everyday terms, this means acknowledging that something hurts, remembering that others struggle too, and asking what support you need now.
Worth knowing
Self-compassion does not require you to like everything about yourself. It offers a way to respond to difficulties with less criticism, while still recognising what needs attention.
- It differs from self-esteem. Self-esteem concerns how you evaluate yourself. Self-compassion concerns how you treat yourself, including when you feel disappointed or have made a mistake.
- You do not need to measure it. Researchers use questionnaires to study self-compassion. In everyday life, a more useful question is: “What would be a fair and helpful response to this difficulty?”
- Kindness can support taking responsibility. In several experiments, people encouraged to respond compassionately to a mistake showed greater motivation to improve or make amends. This suggests that criticism is not the only way to encourage change.
- The evidence is encouraging, with limits. Reviews of trials suggest that self-compassion programmes can reduce symptoms of anxiety, depression and stress. Results vary, and benefits are less clear when compared with other active interventions.
- Begin with language you can believe. If “I love myself” feels uncomfortable, try something more concrete: “This is difficult. What would help me take the next step?” You can practise responding fairly without forcing a warm feeling.
Responding to a setback
After a mistake, try separating what happened from a sweeping judgement about yourself. “I missed the deadline” gives you something to address. “I’m useless” offers little guidance about what to do next.
A compassionate response can still be honest: acknowledge the consequences, repair what you can and consider what would help next time. You do not have to feel better before taking a useful step.
The self-compassion break
Kristin Neff’s short practice brings together awareness, a sense of shared human difficulty and kindness. Begin with an everyday frustration rather than your most painful experience.
Name the difficulty. Try a plain description: “I’m disappointed” or “This feels difficult.” You can acknowledge the feeling without going through everything that caused it.
Remember that others struggle too. A phrase such as “Other people find this hard as well” may help. Their experiences do not have to match yours, and this does not make your difficulty less important.
Offer a helpful response. Ask, “What do I need right now?” Perhaps it is a pause, some encouragement or help with the next task. Choose words you would actually use with someone you care about.
If touch feels comfortable, you might rest a hand on your chest or hold your hands together. You can also leave this out and keep your eyes open. There is no need to complete the practice within a set time.
Making it manageable
Kind words can sometimes bring up sadness, discomfort or resistance. If this happens, shorten the exercise or stop. You do not need to push through distress to practise self-compassion.
You could try a practical act of care instead: have something to eat, take a break or contact someone supportive. If focusing inward feels overwhelming, grounding techniques offer a way to return attention to your surroundings.
For recurring harsh judgements, the CBT method offers another way to examine what you are telling yourself. If self-criticism is persistent or affecting daily life, a therapist can help you explore it.
Recommended reading
Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself introduces her approach through research, personal experiences and exercises. It explores ways to respond to setbacks and self-criticism with greater care.
UK clinicians Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont’s The Compassionate Mind Workbook offers a structured introduction to Compassion Focused Therapy. It combines explanations with exercises for understanding difficult feelings and developing a more compassionate response to yourself and others.