Losing a parent can leave a gap in the most ordinary parts of your day. Even if you knew their death was coming, it can be hard to take in that they’re gone.
You might reach for the phone to tell them something, or find yourself wanting their advice. Sometimes it’s a small thing that catches you: something they would have laughed at, a familiar saying, a question you never thought to ask.
If your parent was there as you grew up, you may also miss having someone who remembered you as a child. They might have held stories about your early life that you can no longer ask them to tell.
Of course, not every relationship with a parent is close or easy. You may feel sadness, anger, relief or very little at all. You may find yourself grieving the relationship you wished you’d had, as well as the person who has died. You don’t have to make your feelings fit anyone else’s expectations.
A few things to keep in mind…
- Knowing it was coming doesn’t mean you were ready. Even after a long illness, you may find it hard to believe your parent has died. Having time to prepare doesn’t mean you’ll miss them any less.
- You may miss them in unexpected moments. An ordinary errand, a piece of good news or a familiar voice can bring their absence home to you. There may be things you miss that you hadn’t thought about before.
- Your place in the family may feel different. You might find yourself taking on responsibilities or becoming the person others turn to. If that feels like too much, it’s reasonable to ask for help and time to adjust.
- A difficult relationship can leave a lot unresolved. You may feel relief alongside sadness, or mourn the chance to put things right. You don’t have to remember the relationship as happier than it was.
- You can ask for support after the first few weeks. Other people may stop checking in while you’re still struggling. Let someone know what would help, whether that’s a regular phone call, practical help or a chance to talk about your parent.
Adjusting to their absence
It can take time to realise all the ways your parent was part of your life.
There may be a lot to do at first: telling people, arranging a funeral, dealing with paperwork. You might get through those tasks and find things harder once there’s less to keep you occupied. Or you may struggle with even the smallest jobs from the beginning.
Family occasions can change too. You may wonder who will bring everyone together, or find that you and your siblings want very different things. One person might want to talk and share photographs; another might find that painful. Those differences can be difficult, especially when you’re hoping to support each other.
Things that may help
You don’t have to tackle everything at once. Start with what would make today a little more manageable.
Ask for help with a particular task. People sometimes want to help but don’t know what to offer. You could ask someone to sit with you while you make a difficult phone call, bring a meal or help sort through paperwork. If asking feels hard, a short message is enough.
Take your time with belongings where you can. You may want to keep everything for now, or feel a need to start sorting. If there’s a deadline to clear a home, ask for help and consider setting aside things you’re unsure about so you can decide later.
Think about difficult dates before they arrive. Birthdays, anniversaries and Mother’s or Father’s Day may feel easier to face with a loose plan. You might want company, some time alone or something ordinary to do. You can change your mind on the day.
Choose who you can be honest with. It can help to have someone who will listen without expecting you to feel a certain way. If the relationship was painful, that might be a friend or someone outside the family. You don’t have to leave out the difficult parts to make other people comfortable.
Allow yourself some ordinary moments. Watching a programme, enjoying a meal or laughing with someone doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your parent. You don’t need to feel guilty for having a better afternoon.
Finding support
You can ask for support whenever you need it.
You don’t have to wait until you’re struggling badly. A bereavement service can offer someone to talk to about your loss. The Cruse Bereavement Support website is one place to start looking for information and support.
If you’re finding everyday life difficult to manage, or are worried about how you’re feeling, you can speak to your GP. NHS Talking Therapies may also help with anxiety or depression following a bereavement; in England, you can usually refer yourself without going through your GP.
If you need urgent mental health support, the Support directory has crisis contacts.
Recommended reading
If reading about other people’s experiences helps, these books offer different perspectives on losing a parent.
Alexander Levy’s The Orphaned Adult explores the experience of losing parents in adulthood, including changes in your sense of yourself, your family role and how you think about your own mortality.
Hope Edelman’s Motherless Daughters focuses on women who have lost their mothers. It explores how that loss can continue to affect relationships and be felt in new ways at different stages of life.